In our speedy-paced world, where productivity often trumps presence, even something as sacred as pleasure has been swept into the tide of “hustle culture.” The idea that orgasms should be quick, frequent, and even formulaic is a narrative many of us have unknowingly absorbed. It’s a seductive illusion—one that strips us of the profound depth and connection that authentic pleasure offers.
As a holistic sexologist, I see this illusion as a symptom of a deeper cultural disconnect. We’ve been sold the belief that sex is about performance rather than presence, that climax is the sole destination, and that anything less is a failure. This mindset can leave us feeling inadequate, unfulfilled, and disconnected from our bodies and partners.
The Roots of the Illusion
Where does this pressure come from? Media, pornography, and even well-meaning sexual advice often glorify orgasms as the pinnacle of sexual success. We see montages of passion that culminate in predictable, explosive climaxes, often detached from the messy, nuanced reality of human connection.
This creates unrealistic expectations:
Fast orgasms become a measure of how “good” we are at sex.
Frequent orgasms become a badge of sexual health or prowess.
But the truth is, orgasms don’t follow a timer or a tally. They are not tasks to accomplish; they are experiences to savour.
Reclaiming Slow, Conscious Pleasure
Holistic sexuality teaches us that pleasure isn’t confined to a single peak—it’s a spectrum of sensations, emotions, and energies that unfold when we allow ourselves to be fully present in our bodies. When we shift our focus from rushing to the finish line to immersing ourselves in the journey, we create space for profound intimacy and self-discovery.
Here’s how we can begin to reclaim this slower, deeper connection with pleasure:
1. Release the Goal
Orgasm is a beautiful gift, but it’s not the only one. Let go of the need to climax and instead explore the sensations, emotions, and energies that arise in the moment.
2. Listen to Your Body
Your body has its own rhythms and wisdom. What feels good today might change tomorrow. Be curious and compassionate with yourself, honouring your unique journey.
3. Redefine Success
Success in intimacy isn’t about how fast or how often you orgasm. It’s about how connected you feel—to yourself, your partner, and the present moment.
4. Practice Slow Touch
Incorporate practices like mindful sexuality massage, mindful breathing, or sensual exploration that prioritise connection and sensation over climax.
The True Nature of Pleasure
The paradox of pleasure is that the more we chase it, the more elusive it becomes. True pleasure arises when we relax into the moment, free from expectation or judgment. Orgasms, when they come, can then be expansive, soulful, and deeply satisfying—not because they were fast or frequent, but because they were real.
By challenging the illusion of quick and frequent orgasms, we open the door to a richer, more fulfilling relationship with our bodies and with pleasure itself. This is the gift of holistic sexuality: a return to the sacred, the slow, and the soul-nourishing experience of being fully alive in our sensuality.
Your pleasure is not a race. It’s an art. Allow yourself to paint with every shade, every stroke, every pause.
Jenni Mears - Founder of The Fembodiment™ Institute
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