Courtesy or Control – Reclaiming Your Seat at the Table

Recently on a date night I had a beautiful conversation around this topic with my husband. Together we co- created this blog for modern day couples.

A Fembodiment™ reflection for women

Have you ever felt a man sweep in to open your car door, pull out your chair, or usher you through a doorway and caught a faint tug in your belly that whispered, this isn’t just kindness? For generations, “gentlemanly” gestures have been billed as respect. Yet a gesture that ignores our embodied yes can slide from courtesy into covert control. Let’s unpick the difference so we can keep the sweet offerings and ditch the power plays.

The Sensation Test

In the Fembodiment™ Method we track sensation first.

• Courteous contact: Your body softens; breath stays easy.

• Controlling contact: Shoulders tense, a micro‑flinch ripples, or a quiet ugh curls in the gut.

Your nervous system is a seismograph. Believe its readings.

Intention & Invitation

A true gentleman offers from care, not ego. He’ll pause, meet your eyes, and invite:

“May I open the door for you?”

The power rests with you to accept or decline.

Control shows up when the gesture is performed to you, not with you no eye contact, no question, just action that assumes compliance.

Autonomy Restored Immediately

Courtesy is ephemeral. Once you’re seated, he releases the chair and the narrative. Control lingers: he orders your drink, “fixes” your napkin, dictates when you’ll leave. One act of domination rarely travels alone.

Feedback Friendly?

Healthy courtesy loves feedback. You say, “I’ve got it, thanks,” and he smiles, steps back. Control bristles: “Let me, I insist.” Pushback reveals the power play.

Patterns Paint the Truth

Zoom out. Is the door‑opening part of a performance where he controls money, schedules, friendships? Polite veneers often glaze over deeper inequities. Flip the lens: a partner who co‑creates decisions can open every door in town and it still feels like freedom.

Courtesy Goes Both Ways

Here’s the thing: courtesy isn’t gendered. A woman might say, “Can I get that for you?” or “Would you like me to carry one of those?” That’s not submission that’s reciprocity. In the language of Fembodiment™, it’s a gesture offered from presence, not pressure.

Courtesy moves both ways. Control only travels in one direction.

When kindness is mutual and responsive, power stays balanced. When it’s demanded, expected, or used to gain status or submission, it stops being courtesy and becomes a quiet form of domination.

A Fembodiment™ Reframe

 1. Sense: Notice bodily signals in the moment.

 2. Name: “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll seat myself.”

 3. Claim: Hold your posture, breathe, and let the silence land.

Each micro‑boundary re‑patterns the nervous system toward sovereignty.

For the Modern “Gentleman” Reading Along

Ask yourself:

 1. Would I still do this if no one were watching?

 2. Do I feel unsettled if she says no?

 3. Can I show respect in ways that don’t require her physical compliance?

If the answer is yes, congratulations – it’s genuine courtesy.

Freedom at the Core

Chivalry that honours freedom can feel delicious: a door held in pouring rain, a hand offered on uneven steps. Keep what nourishes. But each time the gesture eclipses your choice, let your inner compass steer you back. Liberation lives in the everyday moments when your body gets the final word.

So the next time a chair is whisked out behind you, pause. Sense. Decide.

Because being a lady never meant surrendering your agency and receiving care never requires you to shrink.

Jenni Mears - Holistic Sexologist & Fembodiment™️ Method Teacher